Trust Issues

I have major trust issues. When Gibran was little and sick soo often, I hardly let anyone else hold him at family gatherings because I was sick of having a sick baby all the time. I also felt as if I was dreadfully troublesome if anyone held my baby too long because I hate troubling people.

I never leave Gibran alone with the maid at home. Hardly ever. The only times I'd left him alone at home was when he was sleeping and I needed to get bread or something important that wouldn't require more than 30 minutes. Even with our trusted old maid, I didn't. And now with the new one, lagi lah never. Hardly ever. Whenever I need to run errands or go for classes, I'd drop Gibran and the maid off at my parents' place. I have "visions" (of the not-good-sort) of maid running off or simply neglecting my kid in some way. Always.

I never even let the maid feed or bathe Gibran. Except for those days when I was very ill (last year when the implants were infected), and on days when I'm not around (running errands or at class), I would be the one feeding or bathing or simply doing anything/everything for Gibran. The maid is there only when I need assistance of some sort.

I've only left Gibran to go to bed without me during the times when I was hospitalised and was too ill. Other than that, noone else puts Gibran to bed except for H and myself. I have not been out till late at night with friends or for whatever function since Gibran was born because I always make sure I'm there when he's put to bed. As a result, whenever we're forced to leave him at night (the occasional wedding reception or discussion after our night classes), he'd start asking for Mummy and Baba as soon as the clock hits 10 p.m. Sometimes when he gets into fights with his cousins, he'd cry his eyes out for hours if we're not around. On that sort of occasion, we've had to rush back home to see to him. Like tonight for instance, our friend from Melbourne is in KL and hoping to meet up for late dinner and supper and a late-into-night gossip session.. and I was forced to back out because I didn't want to leave Gibran alone well into the wee hours of morning. Normally he'd follow us wherever we go, but tonight's meeting was a smokey joint (the sort we never failed to frequent a few times a week pre-Gibran days), and we couldn't risk exposing Gib to all that smoke.

My Dad likes to take his grandkids out with the maids as guardians/assistants. Last year they went to the zoo when I was still bed-ridden, so I didn't let Gibran go because I wouldn't be there to monitor him. H and I aren't comfortable with the maid being in charge of him on an outing like that for the whole morning. If he messes around with filthy things, the maid wouldn't care. She wouldn't even care about thoroughly scrubbing her hands and nails before feeding him if we weren't there. And what if he gets sick from all that heat and sun and lack of water because for sure the maid wouldn't pay attention to all those small details. That was when we had Nila, whom we actually did trust. Last week his cousins went to the zoo (with my Dad and sister's maid tagging along as Dad's assistant), and Gib couldn't go because I wasn't feeling too well and again, I wouldn't be around to fully-monitor the maid. New maid some more this time. How can we trust her..? But then, we didn't let Nila be in charge back then too.

Nowadays, Gibran is my constant shadow. He'll rush upstairs if he hears me walking around although I've just sent him downstairs to the maid not two minutes before that. And I was just about to take a shower and solat. Everyday I have to make sure we go to the park because that's the only place where he'd be too busy to look for me, and for once I'd have a chance to exercise. When the weather's lousy and I'm forced to workout at home, guess who'd be sitting right beside me while I'm working out?

Ninety percent of the time I love it. I love being a mother, I love this great kid I've been blessed with. He talks so well that he is now like a companion. I don't regret sacrificing my career because I believe that having me stay at home is the best thing for all of us. Not a minute goes by that I don't thank God for the ability to live normally. Things people take for granted like standing, walking, cooking, driving and so on. I try never to forget the days when I could not do all of that.

But then there are those times when I am unsure if these trust issues are making life harder... not easier. Are they, really?

When friends ask us to go out till the wee hours of morning, our conscience just can't take it. What if the people we leave Gibran with aren't taking care of him right? I don't miss the nightlife and I don't particularly like to hang out all night and come back to a quiet home and a sleeping kid who didn't get to hug Mummy goodnight. And yet there is that small part of me that sometimes wishes that I could just let go and relax a little.

In our circle of friends, there are friends with kids (including infants) who leave their kids behind with the maid or family members easily and have the luxury of going out there and having a life well beyond their little homes, and not worry too much about arranging childcare at the last minute, any time any day is a good time for having a good time.

And no, I am not envious or bitter. Honestly I'm not. And NO, I'm not judging them either because they're our good friends and everyone is entitled to their own ways of living. I just.... wonder why I cannot be like that!

The truth is that I'd rather be at home with a sleeping Gibran (who is muttering in his sleep right now) and a snoring H, after having had a pasar malam dinner of meehoon soup while watching Finding Nemo, with house chores waiting by my side (which I'm ignoring because, well.. d'uh, I'm blogging).. than being right there where I could otherwise be. Out there where the loud music used to soothe, the smokey air used to lull the troubles away, and loud and rowdy jokes are told with belly-splitting laughters.

I suppose we are happy in this quiet cocoon of ours.